Journey to Submission (Part I)

To give some context: I was a virgin until my late twenties and have been with my wife since 2004. She is the love of my life and easily the other half of my soul. Now as many of you know, life and marriage is not easy by any means, so know that this Sub has had quite a ride to get to where I am at.

It was 2024, summer, and I had been scrolling through my NSFW Twitter account keeping up with the cam models, porn stars, sex workers, other online friends that I had made since delving into that world around 2010. What I started noticing was that many of the cam models that I’d been closest to were bisexual, pansexual, or other.

I’ve always been introspective, by nature, and being alone for much of my formative years, and I mean alone emotionally, for I was usually not alone physically. I was raised with two parents, an older sibling, one aunt, and two grandparents for much of my childhood and throughout most of my secondary schooling. But emotionally, I had no one. This isolation allowed me the time and space to reflect on many parts of who I was and what types of relationships I might want in the future. Like many, I thought I knew what I was doing and believed that I truly understood myself. HA! my brain and human nature had other things planned out. So when I met my wife and experienced the quirky movie like romance of our cute meet all the way through our eventual wedding, I’d been so happy! I’d achieved the storybook dream! Now came the happy ending and the happiness for ever and always…

Alas, life happened, I started losing my sense of self, keeping secrets, my relationship was changing without even realizing. Which brings me back to my cam model friends, who had varied sexual identities. I began to think about who I was attracted to, both romantically and sexually. At 47 years old my identity was in question, I could feel like what I’d been raised to believe was in conflict with what was in my heart and loins. Deep down I could feel a longing to love any soul that simply lived up to what I considered to be a worthy person, regardless of what their biology was and what they identified with. If they accepted me, then I accepted them. If they wanted me, I wanted them. I first opened up to some cam girls that had become very close to me, so close that I saw them as friends and a few returned those sentiments. Unfortunately, who I should have been able to lean on and confide in, my wife, I’d convinced myself that being open with her could be detrimental; that opening up could shatter my whole world! Yes, that was a completely boneheaded idea, but we humans can let ourselves believe the most idiotic things.

This bumbling fool of CIS raised man, started researching what it meant to experience sexual pleasure with a fully open mind. Instead of just viewing content to gain pleasure, I viewed it to understand what all participants were experiencing. I talked to people about what they felt, what they wanted, how they started experimenting. I ordered my first set of butt plugs, metal with a pink jewel, and water based lube. I also ordered a mint green silicone dildo, which some of my cam girl friends had bought for themselves. This led me to experiencing anal play for the first time, which many of you know can be amazing or horrific. For me it was mind blowing, I experienced feelings I hadn’t known or felt before. I started following more trans sex workers and joining safe communities online to learn more. This eventually led to Substack and reading erotica. Many of the wonderful writers here opened up new worlds for me or expanded on lifestyles that I’d always found enticing but thought weren’t for me, like BDSM or a Dom-Sub relationship.

During my time reading in Substack I came across one of Ella Light’s (@ellalight69) (Miss Ella) stories. I was drawn into the way she crafted her characters and built up sexual heat and tenderness. It was during this time that I met someone, online that wanted to be my Mistress. I was curious and up front that I did not have a lot of money, but wanted to know more about that lifestyle. I would spend the next two months with my Mistress, learning daily rituals, being tasked with completing acts of service to show my obedience. The whole time I’d kept everything from my wife. Looking back on that time I couldn’t believe what I was doing, I was clearly struggling emotionally and in a relationship that my mind was screaming at me was wrong, but my heart needed to be owned. I could feel the pull of submission and how giving myself to my Mistress had somehow started to change something inside me. There was just this inkling, a subtle feeling that this shouldn’t be happening.

Then in May, Ella Light (Miss Ella) mentioned in a note the pain she experienced when leaving her Dom, a dom that she may have had for quite a while. What she expressed resonated with me because of my own doubts and fears with my current Mistress. So I took a chance. We had started a recent thread of DMs because she had gifted me with a story about one of my fantasies, which was being completely filled and used. I sent the message,

“I know you wanted to work on being your own Domme. I would love being your practice submissive.”

I wasn’t aware that Miss Ella, had previous experience as a Domme, I was just trying to help support a person that I’d come to respect, who was in a pain, while also seeking comfort with someone that I felt I could trust.

She replied back, “I will consider that.”

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